


half loved

by justK



Series: random nct works [13]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Qian Kun, Fame, M/M, Nonlinear Narrative, Not Betaed, There's smut, Time Skips, Top Suh Youngho | Johnny, Unrequited Love, a little bit of, and also Ten is briefly mentioned, but they are something, but they're celebrities or smth like that, it is never mentioned what they are, it's never really clear, of course it's for the bottom Kun collection, or famous figures, unclear relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:00:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29448177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK
Summary: i want you to stay —even though you don't want me.
Relationships: Suh Youngho | Johnny/Qian Kun
Series: random nct works [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007520
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	half loved

**Author's Note:**

> not a native english speaker, i apologise for any mistake i may have.

the way Kun had entered Johnny's life had been nothing short of unexpected. Johnny still remembers every detail, from the way the air of the balcony of that one mansion had smelled like, to the way Kun had looked bathing in the moonlight. it is still quite similar tonight, if Johnny focuses hard enough, now, seventeen months later. 

Kun looked ethereal, with his hair styled in a way, there seemed to be elflocks on top of his head, and it was easy to picture small fairies flying all around him, making him shine and look unattainable, except Kun was reachable in a way that never quite appeased Johnny. 

he was smoking, Johnny noticed, when he pushed aside the sparkly transparent curtains, which resembled a waterfall that made way for an enchanted place. the sky was dark for it was night, and it shone brightly under the full moon, the smoke of the expensive cigarette looked like vapour from a mysterious transformation, and it all added to Kun's pretty figure leaning on the balustrade. 

Johnny thought he might had been interrupting, Kun should have wanted to be left alone if he was in that part of the house, but that wasn't what he heard when Kun actually spoke. “today's winner is not coming, is he?” there were many winners that night, but none of them were near, so Johnny answered with the truth. 

“no,” he stopped his tracks, right behind Kun, just in case the younger man told him to go. “it is only me, seeking some fresh air.” Kun turned around at his voice, leaving only his hand on the railing with the smoke escaping his cigar, Johnny almost regretted making him turn, because that pretty opening of his blouse that showed his perfect back was no longer in sight. 

“you can stay, _Johnny_ ,” it hadn't been the chilly air what had made Johnny tremble as he tried to hide it, it had been the way Kun had rolled his name out, as if putting effort in carving it, the same way he would a sculpture. “i'm here for the fresh air only, too.” he tried not to stare, but Kun was smoking right in front of him and it shouldn't have been as striking as it was to him right then, how many people don't smoke, after all, besides Kun was a grown up man that surely knew what he was doing, or so Johnny thought that night. “does it bother you?” Kun asked. 

shaking his head immediately, Johnny answered, “not at all.” he took two steps. “your pretty face would have made me think liquors were never found in your house, that is all.” 

“appearances fool, don't you know?” 

Johnny knew, or he thought he knew, but he never answered Kun's question and Kun probably mistook his silence, because he took it upon himself to teach him after that night. 

they ran into each other two more times, and each time, the silence was more comforting than uncomfortable as it should have been, so Johnny decided to ask him out the third time he encountered Kun, this time in that one supermarket Johnny didn't know Kun frequented too. with no makeup and comfy clothes, Kun had seemed to him even more beautiful than that first night, and so Johnny asked: “would you like to go out with me some time?” 

“i'd love to,” was Kun's reply, which came out of his smile, the one that haunts Johnny every night, because it is perfect in an imperfect way, with a cute pair of small dimples on each cheek, that despite being not genetically normal, Johnny considered a sign of beauty, and more so on Kun's face. 

it was a fact that Johnny's heart went wild when Kun came near him, there was no way Kun couldn't have felt it the first time they went out, when he had stood on his tiptoes to kiss Johnny's cheek as a greeting, placing his hand on Johnny's toned chest for balance, but Johnny didn't care, he was there for that man and when Kun gifted him one of those smiles, something told him that he was okay, that whatever happened, it'll be alright, just like that first date, when they went to a fancy restaurant that was still fairly priced, Kun had thanked him for it, because he didn't like to spend too much or to be spotted in places that were supposed to never be revealed. 

“it ruins lives,” he had explained. “i'm sure you know it, too.” 

Johnny swallowed the wine he had sipped. “i do, although i do put a lot of effort into keeping my affairs private.” he saw Kun lift his eyes from the pasta he was eating, a hint of playfulness in his eyes. 

“am i just an affair to you?” he asked. 

“we'll be whatever you want us to be,” permission granted, Kun held onto it and honoured it till the end. 

he spent his night looking at Kun move elegantly as he heard him talk. back then, probably because it had been the first time, Johnny didn't pay attention to the small signs, things like Kun eating so little or obsessing with looking as perfect as he could. he only saw those things after some weeks, he saw the way Kun spaced out, the way he fidgeted his fingers, how he constantly lost balance and how he never really said much about himself. but it's just that he did everything with such finesse, it looked — it felt — like art, he made it look easy, genuine, caring, as if he was letting people into his life, only he never really did, but he did it with such delicacy, no one ever realised. it could have been due to his pristine public image too, a person with such a high profile and incredible talent only received good critiques, people never thought the path behind perfection was rough and dingy, the way Kun's mind was, Johnny learnt. 

he came to Kun's house one december night, wearing a long fancy coat and a turtleneck, he had to be photographed by paps on the way out of his house, suiting his public image and honouring his _Johnny's fashion_ , as people liked to call it. he managed to lose them on the way, and he made it safely and unspotted to Kun's, where he found him lying on his room floor, unconscious. 

health problems were dealt with by a doctor, but it took so much time, because Kun refused to let him know what was going on at first. 

“i've had anemia for a while now,” he said the day after, sitting on his bed in expensive pijamas. “it was alright at first, but it got worse, it led to a kidney thing too, and something with the thyroid,” he explained with his head hanging low, he looked tired. “i don't know.” 

Johnny pressed his mouth in a thin line, but he never dared judge, he just extended a hand to take Kun's between his. “i'll help you out.” 

the road to getting to know Kun was a long way, and Johnny never really reached his destination, but he did learn a few things. 

as Kun was lying on his bed, following the doctor's orders, Johnny took care of him, and he not only realised Kun had eating disorders, but he also found some pills inside the middle drawer of the guest room, the one Kun had reluctantly offered, knowing Johnny would never let whatever had happened go. he had been looking for an extra blanket in that cold, white room; Kun's taste was refined and slightly minimalist, it was calming, somehow, but the guest room was the coldest and emptiest part of Kun's house. when he took out the plastic bag, Johnny knew it must be hard for Kun to let a, basically, stranger into his house, to let him witness things that some people would consider embarrassing, and Johnny also knew the last thing Kun needed was _someone_ nagging at him, telling him what to do. 

that's why Johnny made his way to Kun's room, walking down a long hall decorated with paintings, until he reached the almost black door. he didn't say anything as he opened the door or when he saw the plate of food basically the same way he had left it: full, untouched. Kun lifted his eyes to see him come in and it was when he saw the plastic bag in Johnny's hand that he cried. 

“i am not here to judge you,” Johnny clarified. “i am only here because you didn't really push me away, i would have left if you had kicked me out, because i will only do what you want me to do.” that must have sunk in Kun, because he stopped crying, leaving only wet traces and rosy cheeks and nose, Johnny discovered Kun didn't need makeup or fancy outfits to be beautiful, what's more, people didn't know Kun this way, his public image was a shield, because if someone saw Kun like _this_ , everyone would be bewitched, _damned._

“i know i'm not okay,” Kun admitted after that, and although he didn't give any details, he said enough to make John _crave_. “i'm mentally unstable, and most of my physical health comes from that.” Johnny considered Kun to be unbelievable strong, because he knew what his problem was, he recognised and accepted it, that's why he didn't oppose to Johnny's suggestion of seeing a professional. 

“why don't you go to a rehab facility?” he was tracing invisible patterns all over Kun's open palm. “it might help you in a way no one else can.” 

so Kun did, and Johnny waited four long weeks for him, for meeting a stranger, because that was what Kun was.

“you waited,” the words reflected some sort of hope that his voice did not carry. Johnny could have felt offended, but he knew better, Kun was struggling with something he did not know, but it was his desire to help a soul, and the attraction he felt towards Kun, what kept him there, bearing the unknown. 

he smiled. “of course i did,” his eyes were smiling, too, and the gesture made Kun stop. “what's wrong?” 

Kun didn't answer right away, but he blinked slowly, the fluttering of his lashes made Johnny look at the cute mole under his eyebrow and he unconsciously reached out to it. Kun tensed. “i'm not sure i can be with you,” Kun said. “i am working on myself and i have nothing to offer.” 

Johnny's heart didn't shatter at that, and the reason was simple: Kun was accepting him, not in the exact way Johnny would have liked, but it was something, and Johnny was okay. 

“that's all right,” he replied. “we don't have to be together, but you're not pushing me away.” 

Kun did push him away, but he was quick to pull him back. he attempted to keep Johnny away by refusing to tell him much about himself, but he then laughed so heartwarming with Johnny whenever they watched some silly movie, or when they were out, Johnny knew Kun was letting his guard down. 

“during my first works,” Kun shared once, “i was told i was too fat, that if i ever wanted to make it in this industry i had to be different,” they were inside Johnny's low-profile car, parked outside a grocery store that had free parking and never closed. and Kun was looking at the front, through the windscreen, at the dark, endless sky. “i believed them.” 

so, Kun had come to be this perfect star because of his weak mind. and still Johnny considered that to be a strength not many had. he learnt Kun was always bent to everyone's liking, and that's why so many directors and producers and photographers liked him so much, but he still was Kun, because he always managed to make everything a work of art. 

“i was told i would never succeed because of my effort, but because of my looks. and i believed them, at first. then i fought against it, and i've spent half my life proving them otherwise.” 

Johnny only listened devotedly, because having Kun share insecurities with him was like listening to a sad piece played by a complex orchestra: beautiful, touching, deep. 

“i've only been seeked because i look appealing enough, but once people started to know more about me, they left, they didn't like it, it is too defying, some say. and i believed it, too. still now, i see that thinking too much, wanting too much, dreaming too much, is not desired. that a pretty face should not possess a complex mind. and i wonder if they are right.” 

it was after times like those, when Kun would enclose in himself, leave Johnny's car or house and not talk to him in days. but whenever he returned, he would walk calmly to Johnny, almost like a cat, until he was in front of him, tilting his head because Johnny was taller than him, and Johnny felt naked under Kun's strong gaze, and even more when Kun would kiss him, stripping him off thoughts, leaving him so drained, when they parted, Johnny could only squeeze Kun's thin waist longingly, hoping for something Kun never gave him. 

“you should come to my house tonight,” _he shouldn't._ Johnny really shouldn't, but he did, anyway. and he was rewarded with Kun between his arms, hugging him, chasing him, devouring him. 

“what do you want, Kun?” Johnny asked when he had Kun against the hall wall, both their chests moving fast together, and their lips almost connecting. 

“i don't know.” 

_you don't know_ , Johnny's mind repeated, mockingly perhaps, he almost heard his own inner self huff at that. but he kept going, because once again, Kun didn't push him away. 

he closed his eyes so hard, he saw stars behind his eyelids, mixing with the sight of Kun parting his lips as Johnny picked him up, squeezing Kun's legs and ass, hurrying to lie him down on the mattress. Johnny could have been with many people, seen lots of naked bodies, looked into hundreds of eyes, but nothing could ever compare to Kun's androgynous beauty, red eyeshadow and little eyeliner in his eyes, his dark hair sticking to different directions, sexy white croptop hugging his torso. if Kun wearing clothes was beautiful, Kun's naked body was a heavenly gift. 

“you are beautiful, Kun,” Johnny said between kisses, grabbing Kun's jaw between his big strong hand to twist it to his liking. “and i'm not talking about your face or body, only. i mean your mind and all of you.” Kun moaned at that, at the truth, bathing and almost drowning in the feeling Johnny gave him. 

“can you-” he had to stop because his breathing was uneven, and that could have been a risky sign, because he had also heart problems due to his anemia, but it didn't make Johnny stop. “please, can you-ah, let me touch you?” 

he left a wet trail after his tongue as he licked his way down to Johnny's dick, grabbing onto his legs and sucking Johnny as if he was eating his favourite sweet, it could have made anyone forget they were not together, and that they were more strangers than friends. 

“fuck, Kun,” Johnny cursed at the way Kun's lips stretched around his girth, looking also at Kun's pink tongue play with the head of his cock. “fuck, you're gonna make me come if you keep going.” he said and pulled Kun roughly up, earning a cute squeal at the manhandling. Johnny arranged him the way he wanted, pushing Kun's head down on the bed and running a finger along his back to make Kun arch it even more, sticking his butt impossibly out, the position would leave not only his knees weak, but also the muscles and ligaments of his inner thighs. “don't you dare move.” 

Kun whimpered in response, but he obeyed and stood still as Johnny spilled lube on his rim, which clenched at the coldness. Johnny squeezed Kun's left asscheek and then leaned down to rest his head against the fleshy cheek, to have a close look at the way his finger sunk into Kun up to the knuckle. Kun accepted him so well, Johnny was quick to push a second finger inside, curling them and pumping them in and out at a calm pace, so Kun's prostate was hit with each movement and he was a trembling mess, but as much as he moaned and cried Johnny's name, he never disobeyed and kept his original position. 

“aren't you such a good boy?” Kun moaned sinfully at the words. 

“ _Johnny_ ,” he sighed, moving his head to the side so it was not buried in the pillow. “fuck me, please.” 

Johnny would have liked to hear _make love to me, please,_ instead, but this was close enough, and in Johnny's fantasy world, it was the same. he complied, the same way Kun had. he turned Kun around and couldn't help but look at his spread legs, inviting him to nestle between them. white skin, flushed cheeks and swollen lips. Johnny could cry right there. but he aligned his length to Kun's entrance and he slowly went inside Kun, whom he would die to call _home._

“ _Kun_ ,” he groaned, biting Kun's shoulder, adding another mark to his smooth skin. “it's too much…” he never specified what, for he started moving right away, sending Kun up the padding with each thrust, taking pride in the way Kun arched underneath him, biting his lips and blinking up at him, as if he was trying to tell him something without words. 

“uh, it feels so good,” Johnny could feel Kun's legs hug his torso, telling him to go deeper, faster, harder. “more, please, give me more.” 

and although Johnny was already giving him his everything, he found a way to give even more for Kun. 

“come, beautiful,” Johnny licked a stripe from Kun's jaw up to his ear. “i wanna see you come.” 

Kun nodded, because he was obedient like that, and he didn't touch himself, not even once, he left all his pleasure to Johnny, as if testing him, _trusting him_. and he came. he clenched so hard around Johnny, it basically triggered his own orgasm as well, hard and blindin. _perfect._

they never talked about it, but there was never need, when Kun went to his house by himself from time to time after that, when he decided he wanted to be seen with Johnny during a public appearance, or when he took Johnny's larger hand between his while walking on the streets. 

“the doctor said i need blood transfusion,” Kun was telling him after his appointment at the hospital. “luckily with that my anemia can improve, they say it's the only way of keeping my body of getting worse, hopefully my thyroid thing won't need surgery after that and a thorough diet.”

“if you and i are compatible, i'll donate it for you,” was Johnny's immediate response. “whatever i can give of myself to you, you shall have it.” 

Kun didn't respond, but his eyes did wander uncertainly. Johnny chose to ignore it. 

they went to the hospital together, and Johnny was there as always, next to Kun, the same way he would be if Kun needed to undergo any surgery or even transplant, because he had seen Kun in a way no one else had, and he was utterly spellbound, which kept him from feeling wary when someone came into the room to see Kun. 

“ _Ten_.” Kun's ex-boyfriend. 

“hello, darling.” 

Johnny left the room to allow them some privacy, and his mind wouldn't help but wander, what he later came to confirm, at Kun's words of “i thought he'd never come back.” 

“and how do you feel?” Johnny had asked, because he could feel jealousy, but what he felt for Kun was pure and stronger. 

Kun licked his lips. “i've never stopped loving him.”

Johnny knew, he truly did. Kun's story with Ten had been an eternal waltz, one that Johnny hoped had been left behind. 

“why don't you try again?” he suggested, his throat felt tight and constricting, but he really meant it, if that was what made Kun happy, he would support him. 

“i don't know.” 

_i don't know._

Johnny didn't know either. and he knew even less when Kun stuck to his side for some more time, it was such a wonderful time. Johnny loved to go to events with him, holding hands and smiling at each other. he loved to drive around the city, feeling the wind comb their hairs, in a way that made him reminisce the first night Johnny crossed paths with Kun. he loved to see Kun wrapped in comfortable clothes, drowning him in hugs and kisses. it felt real. it felt his. 

only it wasn't. it never was. 

a mesh blouse was embracing Kun's body the day he asked Johnny to remain as acquaintances. and Johnny didn't fight it, because he had known all along. 

“i don't know what i want, Johnny,” Kun confessed, as if Johnny didn't already know. 

“it is all right,” _it has always been_. “i would love it if you stayed, but whatever you decide, it's okay.” 

his eyes were big and sharp, yet gentle, caramel coloured that seemed orange when under the sunlight. and at that moment, they were looking at Johnny as if he was the biggest mystery in the universe, as he mouthed a weak “why?” 

Johnny laughed softly, reluctant. “because i like you, but you're free.” he answered. “what you feel i cannot control, and if you do not want me, it is fine. even if i want you to be mine.” 

but Kun did know what he wanted. 

_appearances fool, don't you know?_

as Johnny walked outside the house to breathe some fresh air, to escape the intoxicated bodies and the loud music, he breathed familiarity, with a hint of threat. he looked for the source with his eyes, until he saw Kun bathing in the moonlight, like he did back then, with another one of those revealing blouses he loved and that suited him so well. but this time he was not alone. and far from feeling down, Johnny felt love when he saw Kun smiling and he just felt content because Kun had been a passing whirlwind in his life, and having had coincided with him had been one of the best things in his life. 

**Author's Note:**

> i was writing the draft here earlier and i never realised that i had posted it, oops haha  
> anyways, this is the real thing, i deleted the other thing.  
> hope you enjoy :)  
> -n


End file.
